From the streets across the nation so many raised their diverse voices in order to be heard about what really matters to them. Hearing those voices is crucial for all of us to understand and connect on a universal level and effect change.

One of the reasons I created The Happenings Mat is because I enjoy connecting on that universal level. Using the mat is a way for young children to voice what really matters…especially when conflict arises. When a child agrees to use the mat, they follow the steps and breathe, work with their feelings and needs, tell what happened and brainstorm possibilities.

Seven steps guide children through The Happenings Mat process. Using the seven steps is very simple: just ask the questions. However, offering the steps of the mat is an invitation, not a demand. Each step is voluntary–a child can say “no” to any part of the process.

Paradoxically, a connection can happen when a child doesn’t want to use The Happenings Mat. One day at school, I noticed four-year-old Daniel looked like he felt upset. I asked him if he wanted to use the mat. He said “no.” I said that was okay and he looked surprised. He said, “My dad gets mad at me if I say ‘no.’” I assured him that I was not feeling mad.

That conversation totally changed my relationship with Daniel. When I didn’t force him to use the mat, he began to trust me. The following week he spontaneously told me what he was feeling and needing.

And, of course, it is easy to forget the process is voluntary, especially when everyone is feeling upset. When I saw a child push another child, I said in no uncertain terms that the “pusher” needed to come to The Happenings Mat. I felt upset by his actions and demanded his participation at the mat. In reality, I was the one who needed to go to The Happenings Mat! I wish I had taken a few slow breaths and then asked he if wanted to come to the mat.

Using The Happenings Mat is always voluntary even though there are plenty of times it may be tempting to force a child to use it. However, in my experience, that coercion usually backfires and erodes trust. Accepting a “no” can build trust. When a child is ready to say “yes” to the mat, they trust their voice will be heard and they can talk about what really matters.