Last week, I was talking with a preschooler and asked what was happening the last time he felt happy. He responded, “I felt happy when I took my mask off.”

Right?! I agreed with him, we ALL feel happy when we take our masks off!

When I asked what was happening, I was looking for an observation, what someone said or did. His observation was “I took my mask off.” An observation is only what a video camera records: image and sound. It is often a direct quotation. Making an observation is difficult, since we have been trained to make judgments rather than observations. Many adjectives are full of judgment. For example, we often say “the room is messy” rather than “I see toys on the floor.”

Why is making an observation important? When children are in conflict, making an observation rather than a judgment makes it more likely both parties can agree on what happened.

For example, if I notice that Ted and Sophie are glaring at each other, I might ask what happened. If Ted responds with a judgment “Sophie was mean,” Sophie might object “I was not!”

On the other hand, if Ted responds with an observation “Sophie pushed me,” Sophie might be less likely to dispute it and the children can continue with the process.

It takes some practice to become aware of the judgment and blame that is present in our language. And yet, when there is a conflict, making an observation can help everyone to hear each other and de-escalate the situation.

The Happenings Mat and the Feelings and Needs Cards are now available for purchase! Buy the mat and/or the cards here.